After feeling like a failure again...

I remember the first time i felt ashamed that I was smart. It was in the first grade and the teacher yelled at me for starting the assignment before she said we could. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed at that moment, and the teacher made me cry. My punishment was writing a few lines during lunch. It took maybe five minutes but I'd never been punished for anything at school before. Don't ask me what the lines were, I can't recall.

Around this same time my little brother wanted to do everything his big sis did, and got much better than me on his bike. Hell he got rid of training wheels faster than I did. He continued in that vein for a long time then I would give up because someone was better than me. I later left that school that year and had to play catch up to everyone else in the new classroom.

I continued at that school trying to make and keep friends. There was only one classroom per grade so you knew everyone very well. The moving about and small classes made me very possessive of my few friends. Plus in my street growing up there wasn't a lot of people my age, add to the fact that i went to a private school/or in another district, well you get the picture.

In fourth grade I started having trouble with my classes. couldn't stand being in with my English/french teacher. She wouldn't shut up and needed to retire. When I left that school for my fifth grade year I had to still play catchup (only in English though, was ahead in math). Even left the classes for tutoring/therapy. Hated it but love chalkboards ironically because of it.

I did well enough in classes until eighth grade. Then I started getting bored or not doing assignments. By my sophomore year I loved learning but hated school. I was so bored, resentful and afraid. If I had just worked hard enough I wouldn't have been bored in the accelerated classes. But I didn't.

I still am stuck in this spiraling pattern. Deep down I think I am afraid of succeeding. Well and of failing, but if I fail because I screwed up at least I know I didn't give my best. Even if it does make me want to tear my hair out. I sabotage myself in everything because inside I'm still that very bright wise little girl that got told off for starting early. For being smart enough to get it the first time. I don't think I've even told my mom the full story of why the teacher yelled at me that day. All I did was cry and tell her that the teacher yelled. (mind you my parents were about to get divorced at this time too). Go Figure.

Even now I still don't let people clean up my messes up for me.